An old friend once told me that all that mattered was: “Behaviour, behaviour and behaviour”. I was younger then and even more foolish than I am now so I didn’t entirely understand. I think I’m beginning to get it.
What my friend was trying to explain was that, no matter what someone said, the key was what they did which meant how they behaved.
In days gone by, society had a series of codes which kept people “behaving” on the straight and narrow. It didn’t matter which particular echelon you came from, each social group required you to behave in a certain way if you wanted to be included in that society.
Human beings, like horses, are herd animals and like – and need – to fit in. If the punishment for misbehaving is being ostracised, they’re very likely to want to conform. Even if a miscreant decides to try his or her luck, they’re likely to find that the discomfort of being kept outside the group is worse than coming to heel, if you’ll forgive the mixed metaphors.
There were post-war and in-between war periods during the 20th century when rules were there to be broken and those who could afford it, certainly did. Think US prohibition, between the 1920s and mid 1930s which was widely ignored when possible. And, a few decades on, we came to the wild freedom of the 1960s when anything that could came and went. Rules were uncool and the vibe was as much freedom-loving and individualism as a soul could manage. Turn on, tune in, drop out in the words of former American psychologist and enthusiastic advocate of psychedelic drugs Timothy Leary.
And so it seemed that was that. Even, much later, Mrs Thatcher apparently declared there was no such thing as “society” (to be fair, she didn’t. Her actual quote was: “Who is society? There is no such thing! There are individual men and women and there are families and no government can do anything except through people and people look to themselves first.”)
So where are we now? Theoretically, we might argue that it’s a continuation of the same, perhaps at a slower pace but we’re moving along that road to self-realisation with the individual learning how to live their “best” life for the benefit of both themselves and society.
Except, I would argue, it isn’t at all like that. Constrictions and restrictions have been creeping up on us for at least a decade or so. The constrictions in the form of feeling internally pressurised into doing something you are not comfortable with and the restrictions that come from being forced into accepting those rules.
I’d suggest the constriction/restriction mission creep fits in with the time, perhaps, as social media took hold or when society took hold of the impact that social media was having on its young and decided to follow the trend, rather than lead from the front.
I’m a huge fan of the internet. Before its arrival, I spent hours and hours in libraries around London in the hunt for research to back up or discredit my argument. I’d never go back to those days. But I tend to use it as a research tool, rather than a social media outlet. I know what echo chambers are and rabbit holes too, and I steer clear.
The geniuses of social media, however, are not billionaires for nothing. They are clever, clever people who know how to tease a person into slipping down that rabbit hole or ending up in an echo chamber (and whatever else besides) and, through the cunning use of algorithms, increasing the talent to monetorise their assets. The longer you spend on their platform, the more appealing you are to people who are trying to sell you something.
Some social media users, too, can make money if they can persuade enough people to “follow” them so they are classified as “influencers”.
It sounds like easy money but it isn’t, not if you’re serious. After deciding on how they want to be perceived and what they are creating, the influencer will spend many an hour focusing on brushing up that image and creating content. That, after all, is what they are selling.
That requires a whole lot of concentration on the self, and doesn’t allow much time for consideration of others.
This would be fine if the influencers were confined (another restrictive word) to the world of the internet but, unfortunately, they are not. They are everywhere. What they do, we almost inevitably view.
And that brings us back to behaviour. If our young are so involved in their own world – both inner and outer – how are we to create a functional society that works well for all of us and not just the narcissistic few?
I was on a plane not long ago chatting amiably – he started it – with the young man next to me. As we buckled up, he leaned over and asked me quietly to: “Close your blind because I have a fear of flying and wonder if you could keep it down throughout the flight.”
I have to admit I was taken aback. I had chosen a seat by the window because I wanted to look out. I also felt sorry and wanted to please him so my instinct was to agree to his request. However, just as my hand reached over, I hesitated, wondering why I was going to do without, to please someone much younger than me who didn’t like flying.
When I compromised with pulling down the blind halfway – I thought that was quite fair – his behaviour changed abruptly. He pulled his hoodie over his head in a half-sulk, half-hiding position, curled into himself and remained silent for the rest of the trip. When it was time to disembark, he left without a backward glance. Again, I was surprised at what seemed quite a sense of entitlement from one so young. How ready was he to try to impose restrictions on me so that he got his needs met. I know that if I’d tried that trick when I was his age on a stranger, I’d have been given short shrift. To be honest, I wouldn’t have dared.
What’s done cannot be undone, so there’s no point in harking back to a time that might, or might not, have seemed better.
But how about if we try to keep in mind how useful a bit of empathy might be as we’re going about our daily business. Think along the lines of Mrs Doasyouwouldbedoneby in Charles Kingsley’s 1863 children’s book The Water Babies whose name is very much as it sounds. For example, instead of hiding behind texts, WhatsApp messages, voice messages on your smartphone, how about making direct contact with a human even, maybe, someone you love. Looking into the real world outside, rather than delving down deep and encouraging the narcissism that is within all of us.
Empathy is about using your imagination to connect with how someone else might be feeling in a situation, rather than just how you might be feeling. It’s the emotion that differentiates us from the narcissist and, in a sense, the emotion that makes us fully human. A little empathy can go a long way. Try it and see.