I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger recently. Not just my own, but clients too. Then there are my friends, who seem to be falling into all sorts of fights, for reasons about which they have no idea. And, as for the wider population of the UK capital’s population, well, it’s hard to know where to start.
The city where I was born and bred now seems to be full of hot, cross people. I can see exactly what’s causing some of the problems – traffic, road works, general street busy-ness for a start – all of which results in impossible frustration for everyone, drivers and commuters alike but, even so, the level of anger seems to be greater than the cause.
I see an elderly friend every week who is generally delightful company because she enjoys the company but even she was ratty this week.
She’s not entirely of this world so it can’t be the outside influences but when I asked her what had brought this irritation on or had she just felt crotchety straight after getting out of bed, she was pretty peeved at the question.
I may now know the angelic-looking 96-year-old with her still-charming girlish quality but I had a glimpse of the adult woman whose inner band of steel made her the successful and much-admired career woman she was. In flashpoint moments like that, I don’t tease or patronise, I stay very still until the moment’s gone. I’m not going to be challenging her any time soon.
If we can’t challenge in “real” life, of course, it can add to our frustration. Look around you and you’ll see signs all over the place telling us someone, somewhere has “zero tolerance” about frustration boiling over into anger and we must behave accordingly. That’s a very fair point. But what about us, on the receiving end, who often have to swallow our own annoyance when we may have every justification in feeling it. I’m not entirely sure. I think it must be something on the lines of “suck it up” but there’s a limit to how much we can without that feeling of anger bubbling over. It may be a slow process but, if there’s no way of finding a resolution for it, one day it will. And so the feeling grows.
I have a sneaking suspicion that’s what’s happening now. It’s as if the angry ones among us are being propelled through life by an ever-growing ball of fury. Where we may usually be capable of finding some comfort outside our own troubles, our world currently does not seem to be offering us much hope.
All of us who work within the counselling world, need to be prepared to work with clients who are seeking help with different problems which, if a therapist or counsellor can dig down deep enough, will come back to a connection with a negative emotion.
American psychologist Paul Ekman was the man who identified our six major emotions: Sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust (I think I might use “shame” rather than disgust). We can rule out happiness – whoever comes to see someone to say they’re just too happy – and, to a certain extent, surprise. That leaves us with sadness, fear, anger and shame.
Of these, the emotion that challenges me most is anger.
Nothing is easy and I often find myself puzzling about what might be the best way of working with a client who is presenting with a particular issue. Even so, perhaps after talking around a subject, making an intervention which strikes a chord, or even going down unexpected rabbit holes but still finding a way out, I can usually find some way of examining and working through the issue.
Except when it comes to anger. That’s a hard one to reach. Even after several sessions exploring where it might come from – no-gets angry for no reason, there is usually a root cause behind it – for me, it’s often a question of what to do next.
Talking therapies are highly valued because the idea is that, through examination and reflection on past events, the emotion comes to the fore and, from there, it’s possible to consider what might be the best way of working through it.
My experience is that, while it may sound easy when I write it, it’s hard in practice but still achievable, as long as client and therapist work well together.
We can consider options to help ease the emotion and the reaction to what is happening because of what has happened. With exercises, talking and practice, the problem may come to look a lot smaller. If we’re lucky, the client will leave at the end of his/her sessions feeling well equipped to manage alone.
But I’ve found it harder when I’m working with a client who is continuously angry and knows it. Where do I start? Compassion, understanding their point of view and a genuine willingness to really listen to their story is important, I know. But how do we move on?
A counsellor friend suggests Gestalt, a type of therapy that works on the consideration of a person as a whole, rather than as someone made up of individual parts.
Its strength is that it aims to encourage the individual to become aware of what is going on within, not just by imagining the emotions through their mind but by recognising how they are playing out in their body. It’s a here and now approach, too, as the feelings reveal themselves through a bodily tension.
Gestalt uses the “empty chair” idea which, in the room, I have found to be very effective. The client is asked to imagine the chair is a particular person and what, if that person were in the chair, s/he might say to them. It can work in reverse too, by suggesting the client sits in the chair and responds as the other person.
In a sense, I suppose, Gestalt allows the physical side to play as much of a part in the therapeutic process as the cerebral aspect. I remember one therapist suggesting it might be an idea for a client to position a pillow in front of them and start swatting it with what looked like a giant fly swatter. They were reticent at first, particularly as part of their problem was a strong dislike of confrontation. However, to their therapist’s surprise, they started to find it very cathartic. Over time, they reported they were less angry with their foe and they sometimes even found the exercise quite amusing. That sounds like real progress.
I’m not there yet with suggesting it to my client, particularly as we work online and I’d like to be present with them in the “safe space” environment at least at the start of the exercise.
Instead, I’ve suggested writing a letter to the person they see as the cause of their anger. It is not ever for posting, it’s just for expressing their innermost and unguarded feeling and showing what effect it’s had on them. And then I suggest they read it back, take a deep breath and put it away in a secure place where it will not be found. I’m hoping the process of writing will ease what seems to be a blockage with my client and they may be able gradually to move on from it. De-escalation – like much in life – is what we’re aiming for.
If it works, I may try it out myself. Like everyone, I’m still a work in progress.