I’m finding I’m doing quite well at the moment when it comes to anger management issues. Where once I might have found myself in the middle of a full-blown row, I’ve managed to avoid it. There’s one I failed with but that has decades of history behind it and I’m still working on my controlling mechanism for that.
But as for the rest, yes, I am feeling quite pleased with myself. It’s been a long time coming but I’m feeling the benefits already. I like the steadier “on a level” way of being, rather than the up-and-done style that creates the momentary buzz but leaves one feeling exhausted.
I’m talking about this because I’m wondering how it is that we all became so cross, and so quickly. Once upon a time, there was a lead up to aggression. Now it seems to be from nought to off-the-scale within moments, with no run-up at all.
Let me explain, based on the Gestalt Cycle of Experience. These break down into the following categories: sensation; awareness; mobilisation; action; contact; satisfaction; withdrawal.
Imagine the sensation first. For some reason – and there will be a reason – you feel a sensation that’s suspiciously like anger. The feeling may come up on you and will also affect how you react in your body ie increased tension, clenching hands, a change in breathing, whatever’s particular to you.
Then comes awareness where you recognise what’s going on. Then comes mobilisation, as you prepare or plan for action.
This is followed on by action – doing something which you imagine will help remedy the situation – after which comes contact when there’s a bit of a look back at the action and reflection on how the action’s worked. Hopefully, to your benefit.
If all’s gone well, you may have a sense of satisfaction which you allow yourself to feel before reaching the last bit of the circle which is withdrawal, and that is all about letting go and moving on with your life. It’s a great theory and is used in all sorts of psychological work involving people, including counselling, coaching and the commercial world of business.
Now, imagine going immediately from anger to explosion (I suppose you might call that action). It’s a big jump, isn’t it? There’s no recognition, no thought, no moment to ponder. Just in, blatt, out. I’m not sure there’s much satisfaction in that.
But that, it seems to me, is where we are at now. And I know I’m not alone because, in the past months when I’ve been considering this topic, more and more articles are coming up about it. It’s something that’s bothering others too.
There are several theories as to how we reached this explosive level.
There’s the offering of gender identity politics which has been around for decades but has become more fashionable in recent years. What this is means for some people is that the importance of the individual takes over from the value of the “whole” of society. [Incidentally, Gestalt means “whole” and considers it is key to work with the “whole” of the person in order to achieve the most successful outcome.]
As a counsellor, I’m all for individuality and work with clients to help them find satisfaction and enjoyment from their lives. However, unless you’re very rich or a hermit, I am aware that we live within a society and as John Dunne so cleverly put it: “No man is an island”. And we can’t pretend to be. We are all connected.
And what other theories do we have? There’s Brexit of course, with still deeply held and entrenched views on either side; there’s social media and the keyboard warriors who spend hours trolling those who disagree with them, while probably not saying too many boos to a goose or two in real life and let’s not forget MSM (mainstream media) and the all-important clicks. Did you know that readers/viewers respond far more to negative articles than they do to positive ones? There we go. Misery pays.
And then there was Covid.
Ah yes Covid, where we weren’t allowed to meet and greet and where many of us were confined to small spaces and our only way of escape was TV and the internet and/or social media. It may have suited some people but not, I’d suggest, the vast majority who need the inclusion of others to make their lives worthwhile. Those of us who were unhappy with the situation felt powerless but forced to go along with what we were told was for the greater good. Later, some of us felt let down, betrayed and angry. And maybe that anger grew and is still with us, even though the Covid alarm appeared to lose its power in the summer of 2021 and we’re now in 2025. Perhaps the mental health effects and bad habits we picked up then are still with us.
When exploring our no-holds-barred rush into irritability, we need to consider the cause. Anger can be the outward expression of what is hidden within. Those feelings may include fear, sadness, hurt hidden within a multitude of other concerns that we would rather conceal from others.
And the effort to hide these perfectly natural feelings, but of which we might feel some shame, leads us to these ever-increasing leaps into expressions of anger. Take, for example, one car driver’s irritation with another’s apparent misbehaviour. Road rage used to be something we’d hear about but never experienced but now you can’t move for horns hooting and angry red faces yelling abuse. At least in London, that is.
So, what to do? I can’t answer for you, of course, but I can consider what I would do, and what I’ve done. I pay attention to what’s happening to my body as I feel the potential release of energy which warns me a that a change I’d rather not go through is coming my way.
I become aware of my breathing: shallow breaths are a no-no and I take slow, deep breaths that bring me in contact with my inner self and allow my mind and body to connect. [If that sounds too tricky, try a practice run or two. It does get easier.]
The process slows me down and, while it doesn’t take long, it’s long enough for me to step back from whatever it is that has triggered me – and, believe me, there’s quite a lot that can – so I can respond accordingly, and appropriately.
This is a work in progress and I’m not expecting miracles but I am, at least, going in the right direction.
And what of when it doesn’t seem to come together, despite your best efforts? I’m working on that too. I’ve likened my reaction to my particular bête noire as that of a red rag to a bull and decided to carry something red with me when I’m forced to meet them. I’ll keep it close and within my eye line and, just as I can feel the flame of fury coming over me, I’ll connect with the red to remind me of my good intentions. We shall see.